sorry not sorry. shit will never change will it. I was happy I was high and now I am spiralling down and trying to pick my self up again with some lana and some rum. But its strange. You make the pit of my stomach clench. I think it is because you are one of the things that lead me into depression. i got over school by going in constantly. I am trying to stop thinking of you as the last straw by talking to you. but you being at work doesn help. your always working when i am free. that is why we didnt work. you wouldnt make time for me. and when you did you didnt want to speak because the walls were thin. I couldnt. I read the things she said to you. and she understands, but you never did. you didnt get it. and to me it seems that every thing you have wanted came to you. and i got the opposite. I cant keep writing because you have already ruined my high. along with my night. worst thing is you didnt even mean to. it was me. I am at fault here.
It might be cruel but I don’t fuck virgins unless we are in a relationship first. And that my dear is why it never happened. All those late night texts meant very little to me. I just wanted to see who I could fuck before leave. You weren’t one of them. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a lovely person but you don’t just have a moment of craziness you are completely like that. And that is too much time take from my day. We weren’t even friends, we were strangers who trusted each other and the moment of lust died because of your fear to touch me.
So don’t call me a bitch, or someone who led you on, or a disappointment, because we were nothing. There was nothing between us, our lips didn’t even touch. So stop crying. It has no use.
Im finding it hard to let go.
Last night I had a dream about you. Well no it was a nightmare. You can come back to Singapore for a week to visit people and you Dad had finally got the hint that we had dated. You were having a shower when he broke the lock and pulled you out. Not giving you a towel or anything he slapped you. And shouted at you for a couple minutes. Then asked if you were lesbian. You crying said yes. At that he dragged you down the stairs and threw you out and locked the door. No phone, no keys, no clothes, no money.
You rock up at my door near the middle of the night, stark naked standing in my hallway. My brother answers the door and tells me to hurry with a towel. You are crying and shaking and wet from the rain. It nearly brings me to tears but the confusion holds them back. I see some cuts on your face and red marks on your body. I bring you into my room turn off the aircon, sit you on my bed and get you some clothes. You’re still crying and just ask me to lye next to you and just let you sleep.I don’t want to give in so easy and hold you till you sleep but i am scared it might make you worse so i do.
The next morning my Mum arrives back from Burma, and as your father has kicked you out of the house I want you to stay out for a bit, or at least until our parents can discuss what is happening. But my Mum is outraged at you staying here and James has to block her from coming at us. Im now crying too trying to explain that we are no longer lovers, nor were we even friends, you came to me in a time of need and that is all. The rest is a blur because I woke up. I haven’t woken up like in several months. Shaking, sweating, and dry mouthed.
The problem with me is I keep eating. Thats why I am so fat. I keep eating.
Maybe I should just stick to one meal a day like I know is right.
Tomorrow no food will enter my body. I feel so disgusting.
I cannot wait to live just James and I. I will cook low fat, low carb, low calorie food.
But I am going to the country that has so many of my guilty pleasures.
Maybe I just need to start my fitness craze again.
Im 58kg. Thats not right.
